The Codependent Diet

I have not blogged in a while, but after reading this story I thought maybe other people could relate... This story came from Chicken Soup for the Recovering Soul.

The Codependent Diet

So you eat right. Having Sworn off french fries and ice cream a decade ago, it wasn't your first choice but,hey, we all learn to adapt because the other option is buying a "muumuu" and accessorizing it with "wide load" stickers. Okay, so how about your "taste" in relationships? Do you choose from the healthy menu...or do you tell the waiter,"I'll pass on dessert. Instead, I'd like a disastrous relationship with Mr. Emotionally Unavailable over at Table Five. Admit it--You've done it! you walk into a room full of available men and, without fail, you scope out the one with the most baggage: emotionally unavailable from childhood,married but separated for the last five years, a permanent seat at the Tuesday night anger management class, or communication skills on par with your goldfish. And my personal favorite, he's divorced but still not over the fact that his first marriage was supposed to last forever and didn't, even though it's ten years later. So why does it work that way? Why do we normally strong women go to so much trouble taking care of our bodies, yet remain willing, even eager, to destroy our emotional well-being with men who will never be relationship material? Although the details may differ, if this story has a familiar ring to it, chances are you have heard the word "codependent" before. For some of us, maybe it's the challenge. I firmly believe "I can change him!" He will fall in love with me and feel something he has never felt before! I will make up for all the wrongs in his childhood! It will be incredible and magical and he will fall at my feet in gratitude and bliss! Uh huh...and the cow jumped over the cheesy moon shining on that oceanfront property in Arizona...For others, maybe it's the comfort zone. I grew up in a house where Dad ignored Mom, or criticized her, or cheated on her--whatever it was,it now seems natural to seek out a man who does the same to me. Of course, I won't be happy and eventually might leave and go in search of..another man who does the same thing! It's not what I want, but I am drawn to it,because it feels like "home" to me. Or how about this one: Psychologists claim that we all marry either our mothers or our father; seeking out a personality similar to one of our parents. Perish the thought! And yet, it's all right there. I am guilty of all of the above. I spent years falling for guys who were still in love with their ex-wives. Occasionally I would take a break from that nightmare and find one who was totally incapable of loving anyone, including himself. Are you emotionally unavailable? You are? Cool! Let's hook up! After roughly a hundred self-help books, a few months of therapy and several years in Twelve-Step meetings for codependent enablers like myself, what have I learned? I have come to realize that it truly is a pattern. They aren't joking when they say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result! Truer words were never spoken than "an expectation is just a premeditated resentment." I expect you to treat me nice (even though it was obvious from the first that you're a jerk) and boy, am I resentful when you don't! And by now you are probably wondering, where is the connection between diets and relationships? Isn't it obvious? If I go home tonight and order a large double pepperoni pizza with extra cheese and a side order of bread sticks, wash it down with a super-sized Cherry Coke, and then top the evening off with a pint of my favorite Haagen-Dazs, what do you think is going to happen in a couple of days? Most likely, I am going to step on the scale and we both are going to burst into tears! I know it, I accept it, and I avoid letting that happen. I forgo the pizza and the coke and the ice cream because I would rather be able to zip my jeans without the aid of a crowbar and a crane. So why can't we as rational, intelligent women do the same with relationships? If we can understand that our hips are going to spread if we eat a steady diet of french fries, why can't we get it through our heads that our hearts are going to break, if we try to love someone who cannot love us back? Hello? Is anybody listening? There are a few things you can count on in this life. Two plus two equals four regardless of whether you are speaking English or Swahili, a Big Mac has 600 calories whether or not you read the nutritional information sheet ( do yourself a favor--don't). And no matter how much you believe in fairytale romances , that knight in tarnished armor is still going to fall of his horse! When all is said and done, shouldn't choosing your mate be at least as important as ordering your next meal? After all, if you wanted to lose weight, you wouldn't order fried chicken, pasta with cream sauce, and salad swimming in ranch dressing..would you? So what do you order when you want a healthy relationship? I, for one, would like to start with an appetizer of romance and thoughtfulness, with a dash of passion. For the main course I'll have an emotionally stable, commitment-oriented, dependable, trustworthy, considerate, all-around decent guy, Please! Oh, and can I have a side order of good communication skills to go with that?


--Linda S. Day